If you’ve been to Mumbai, there is a good chance you have been turned down by a rickshaw driver, at some point or the other. Did he happen to give you a scornful look while doing so? I’ve been there too. Was he expecting me to take him to the Taj and treat him to brunch? Was he hoping that I’d go over to his place, share a cup of tea with the wife? I don’t get it. These guys take to riding rickshaws for the need of funds, and then they turn down every second fare that comes their way. Knock, knock!
Oh well, let’s not fret. Things aren’t that bad. Oh no, they aren’t. Like it or not, they are going to get much worse! I will let you in on a little secret. I have seen the future, and it’s only a matter of time before… Rickshaw Drivers Take Over The World!
The year is 2050. Here’s a look at what the future looks like.
· In the year 2050, rickshaw drivers will be empowered to take you wherever they want to go and not where you need to go. Any resistance from your end will be met with a stiff fine and the confiscation of your first born child.
· In the year 2050, there would be no bass, only treble.
· In the year 2050, all shock absorbers will be replaced by shock amplifiers.
· In the year 2050, if two members of the opposite sex happen to sit in the back of a rickshaw together, they will be required to make out for the amusement of the rickshaw driver.
· In the year 2050, all interiors (home and vehicles) will look like dance bars.
· In the year 2050, prostitution would not only be legal, it would be compulsory. Rickshaw drivers will be provided subsidized rates.
· In the year 2050, paan will be the dessert of the elite.
· In the year 2050, roads and lavatories will be the same.
· In the year 2050, the Marlboro cowboy will eat gutkha.
· In the year 2050, any music other than mainstream Bollywood will be banned.
· In the year 2050, Durex will be making latex body suits.
· In the year 2050, every home will have a pet buffalo.
· In the year 2050, literacy will be banned. The last literate man was killed in 2045, while arguing with a rickshaw driver over his rate card.
· In the year 2050, your grandson will be President of the World Union… and yes, he is a rickshaw driver.
So, smile my friend. We will never again be in a time as beautiful as this. The next time a rickshaw driver gives you flack, take a deep breath (love that carbon monoxide) and be thankful the year is 2009.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Ever Wonder… What it’s like to be super thin?
I'm 29 years old and have a waist to match! Majority of the world’s population lives on the far side of the weighing scale and look to have dedicated their lives to ensuring health magazines turn phenomenal profits.
Being thin is not easy. Modern day courtesy demands one be polite while talking of matters that concern human horizontally expansion. We the horizontally challenged however, receive no such mercies.
Being super thin does have its advantages though. No, these have nothing to do with those fictional snippets you come across in beauty magazines. I’m talking about stuff like…
· We can wear anyone’s clothes and pass it off for the Hip Hop look.
· No train or elevator is ever too crowded.
· We have an arsenal of 10 fat jokes to fire back at every thin joke thrown at us.
· Cellulite and cholesterol are just words for us.
· If I was on a boat that was sinking due to excessive passenger weight, I'd be the last person that they would throw overboard.
· Over the years, I've collected a small fortune in coins that people flip my way while saying, "Put this in your pocket to ensure you don’t don't fly away." Keep them coming please; I need a new pair of sneakers.
· For some reason most people think it to be their moral duty to pick up our tab.
· It’s never you that passed gas.
· Unlike most mortals, we do not have to waste energy on opening doors fully.
· If we ever get into a war, there is no chance in hell of us being drafted and sent to the front. (Coward you say? Yes, and blinking proud of it! Thank you.)
· Further elaborating on the above point. With all the 18-inch bicep flaunting competition being sent off to the front, I'd be left with a wide selection of attention craving senoritas to choose from. (Sleazy, opportunistic coward? Yup :)
Yeah, it's great to be a super thin!
Ever Wonder… What Plants Are Thinking?
It fills me with grief, the way people treat plants these days. I mean, would you feed compost to your pet dog?
Save the whale, eat coconuts! Why chicken, when you can have soy? What did those innocent plants ever do to us to deserve this sort of treatment? If anything, they are helping us by producing oxygen, which those blasted animals steal by breathing.
How do you think those poor plants in your living room feel when they see you feasting on the desecrated carcasses their relatives? Shame on you! And by what demented trick of the devil did we ever think that courting women with the dismembered limbs of these harmless creatures was romantic.
Reverse the situation for a second, “Hi, is that Toes & Fingers? Hello, my name is Cabbage. I want a bouquet of two dozen feet, fresh smelly ones please, 6 nipples and 5 gall bladders delivered to my girlfriend, Rosebud. Oh, and please throw some hair in there to make the bouquet look a bit bigger! The address is 103 Graveyard View…”
Have you even realized that you refrigerator is one of bloodiest crime scenes in history? That’s how cold you have become! Yeah, the authorities might not care either, but do be careful. You never know when that sweet money plant in your bedroom will go vigilante on you and avenge her extended family’s massacre. Have you ever spared a moment to think about how she feels? What do you think is going on in her mind? You’ve scarred her for life!
What about poor Aloe Vera? What must she be thinking? Think about that.
We cry fowl over one black buck, but turn a blind eye towards the genocide that occurs regularly in those killing fields we call farm lands. What’s worse, some of us even go so far as to take pleasure in consuming the fermented blood of these poor creatures. A moment of silence please, for Barley and Grape Vine.
Then there is poor Marijuana. What has he ever done to deserve his reputation? Or Tobacco even. We kill them. We desecrate their remains. We enjoy breathing the smoke of that pathetic excuse of a funeral pyre that we call a cigarette.
I wonder… do plants have ghosts? What would you do if the ghosts of you wardrobe and its unholy contents visited you tonight? Say a prayer before you sleep tonight. Is there a plant heaven? I know there is a plant hell. It’s called Gujrat.
I know I might come across a bit over zealous, but please understand. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to protest against all those half naked women that sadistically prance around wearing the severed limbs of some poor plants, while carrying cardboard plaques (any idea where cardboard comes form?) that read “Save The Panda.” Save Panda? That cold hearted murderer?
The next time you head to the bazaar with the intention of (my leafy friends please forgive me for repeating this evil expression) stocking up your fridge, take a minute and think about your sweet helpless money plant. After all, you don’t have a pet goat at home now do you?
Save the whale, eat coconuts! Why chicken, when you can have soy? What did those innocent plants ever do to us to deserve this sort of treatment? If anything, they are helping us by producing oxygen, which those blasted animals steal by breathing.
How do you think those poor plants in your living room feel when they see you feasting on the desecrated carcasses their relatives? Shame on you! And by what demented trick of the devil did we ever think that courting women with the dismembered limbs of these harmless creatures was romantic.
Reverse the situation for a second, “Hi, is that Toes & Fingers? Hello, my name is Cabbage. I want a bouquet of two dozen feet, fresh smelly ones please, 6 nipples and 5 gall bladders delivered to my girlfriend, Rosebud. Oh, and please throw some hair in there to make the bouquet look a bit bigger! The address is 103 Graveyard View…”
Have you even realized that you refrigerator is one of bloodiest crime scenes in history? That’s how cold you have become! Yeah, the authorities might not care either, but do be careful. You never know when that sweet money plant in your bedroom will go vigilante on you and avenge her extended family’s massacre. Have you ever spared a moment to think about how she feels? What do you think is going on in her mind? You’ve scarred her for life!
What about poor Aloe Vera? What must she be thinking? Think about that.
We cry fowl over one black buck, but turn a blind eye towards the genocide that occurs regularly in those killing fields we call farm lands. What’s worse, some of us even go so far as to take pleasure in consuming the fermented blood of these poor creatures. A moment of silence please, for Barley and Grape Vine.
Then there is poor Marijuana. What has he ever done to deserve his reputation? Or Tobacco even. We kill them. We desecrate their remains. We enjoy breathing the smoke of that pathetic excuse of a funeral pyre that we call a cigarette.
I wonder… do plants have ghosts? What would you do if the ghosts of you wardrobe and its unholy contents visited you tonight? Say a prayer before you sleep tonight. Is there a plant heaven? I know there is a plant hell. It’s called Gujrat.
I know I might come across a bit over zealous, but please understand. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to protest against all those half naked women that sadistically prance around wearing the severed limbs of some poor plants, while carrying cardboard plaques (any idea where cardboard comes form?) that read “Save The Panda.” Save Panda? That cold hearted murderer?
The next time you head to the bazaar with the intention of (my leafy friends please forgive me for repeating this evil expression) stocking up your fridge, take a minute and think about your sweet helpless money plant. After all, you don’t have a pet goat at home now do you?
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